The email exchange

Boris receives an email from his special adviser, Dominic Cummings.

Hiya boss. I’ve decided to work from home for the foreseeable future.  Pissed off with the mob of press photographers camping outside my house.  Social distancing is impossible. Dom

Hi Dom.  Cripes! You can’t do that, I need you here to bang heads together. Couldn’t you wear a disguise?  A pinstriped suit or something?  Boris

Hi. Wouldn’t work. Anyone who comes out of my house has to run the gauntlet.  I’m staying put. Dom

Hmm….pity you didn’t think of doing that before!  We could send a police car to collect you.  Boris

Hell no!  The swines would think I’d been arrested. I’m definitely staying put.  Dom

How big is your back garden?  Could a helicopter pick you up?  Boris

What, and demolish my garden shed?  Forget it.  I’m staying put. Dom

How about a zip wire from your bedroom window?  Boris

Hang on, didn’t you once get stuck on one of those?  Don’t fret, I’ve heard people who work from home are more productive. Dom

More productive?  Sounds ominous. How about glamping in the Downing Street garden? Totally secure, a real adventure. Your little boy would love it.  Boris

Thanks for the offer but there’s no way I’m spending time in that garden again.  Too many bad memories. I’d dream that Robert Peston was lurking behind a rose bush. Dom

Listen.  It’s your civic duty to report for work.  Find some way to get here or else!  Boris

Or else what?  Sack me?  Dom

Yes, I’ll do another U-turn. Boris

Then you’ll leave me with no alternative. I’ll write the book.  Dom

Book? What book?  Boris

The one about your first 6 months as PM. I’ve been offered a huge advance.  Dom

Aren’t you forgetting the NDA you signed?  Boris

NDA?  What’s that stand for?  Not Durham Again?  Dom

OK, I give up.  Have it your own way.  Boris

Thanks boss.  Felt sure you’d come round to the idea.  Dom